The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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