i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
