um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
