On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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