You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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