Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
