I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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