alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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