a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
