Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
