Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
