Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize