he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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