I'm so fucking centered right now
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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