That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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