hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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