2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
even my farts smell like vagina
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
