Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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