I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
