Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize