the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
