I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
