if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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