soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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