im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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