I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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