I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
