ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
