when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
