Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
