first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
