Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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