I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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