I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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