I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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