I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
not ubering you a puppy
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
