this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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