I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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