I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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