I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
