Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
