all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
