If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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