remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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