Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
