i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
