Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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