Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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