Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
