You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize