the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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