decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
