please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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