she smelled like a LAN party
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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