New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
