apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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