a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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